{"id":226604,"date":"2020-11-03T23:58:17","date_gmt":"2020-11-03T22:58:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogg.atl.nu\/nysater\/?p=226604"},"modified":"2020-11-04T06:41:22","modified_gmt":"2020-11-04T05:41:22","slug":"jag-har-dostadat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogg.atl.nu\/nysater\/2020\/11\/03\/jag-har-dostadat\/","title":{"rendered":"Jag har d\u00f6st\u00e4dat"},"content":{"rendered":"

Jag har br\u00e4nt upp tre gamla dagb\u00f6cker. \u00c4r det hemskt? Ja, kanske lite men det var v\u00e4ldigt befriande ocks\u00e5. S\u00e5 befriande att jag \u00f6ppnade datorn nu trots extrem tr\u00f6tthet bara f\u00f6r att dela med mig av n\u00e5gra funderingar kring det h\u00e4r.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

I tid av sjukdom och kaos blir man kn\u00e4pp.<\/strong> Jag \u00e4r superkn\u00e4pp just nu. Allts\u00e5 galen. P\u00e5 riktigt. Resonerar mycket m\u00e4rkligt och m\u00e5r r\u00e4tt d\u00e5ligt emellan\u00e5t. Jag g\u00f6r det jag kan f\u00f6r att komma fram\u00e5t i skiten och h\u00e4rom dagen, medan jag best\u00e4mde mig f\u00f6r att f\u00f6rs\u00f6ka f\u00e5 n\u00e5got sorts s\u00f6mnmedel utskrivet, brann mina dagb\u00f6cker i kaminen. Tillsammans med en del annat som jag inte beh\u00f6ver spara p\u00e5. Jag t\u00e4nkte att jag nog kommer att d\u00f6 vilken dag som helst och att jag m\u00e5ste rensa s\u00e5 det inte blir s\u00e5 mycket att g\u00e5 igenom f\u00f6r mina n\u00e4rmaste. F\u00f6r att de inte ska misstolka mig och tycka att jag var \u00e4nnu konstigare \u00e4n jag verkligen \u00e4r.<\/p>\n

Nu, efter ett litet tag k\u00e4nns det som att anledningen kanske var n\u00e5got mer ocks\u00e5. Att jag beh\u00f6ver plats. Mentalt. \u00c5t den jag \u00e4r och den jag har blivit tack vare allt som stod i de d\u00e4r b\u00f6ckerna? Det \u00e4r inte den f\u00f6rvirrade ton\u00e5ringen som skrev som ska hantera det liv jag lever nu. Det \u00e4r jag. En vuxen kvinna. Hon ska fixa det h\u00e4r. Hon ska vara stark och hon har faktiskt inte tid eller ens lust att fundera p\u00e5 vad som h\u00e4nde dag f\u00f6r dag f\u00f6r tjugo \u00e5r sedan.<\/p>\n

Jag skrev r\u00e4tt tr\u00e5kiga dagb\u00f6cker ocks\u00e5. Innan barnen. Inga djupa funderingar eller skrattretande pinsamheter. Hade ju en vuxen tillvaro redan d\u00e5 och jag dokumenterade den som den var bara. Vad vi gjorde och vad som h\u00e4nde p\u00e5 dagarna.<\/p>\n

Helt sjukt att br\u00e4nna upp dem \u00e4nd\u00e5 p\u00e5 ett s\u00e4tt. Men det blev som ett statement tror jag. Att livet banne mig ska g\u00e5 vidare om jag s\u00e5 ska stirra d\u00f6den i vit\u00f6gat ett tag f\u00f6rst.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Jag \u00e4r en typisk samlare<\/strong>. H\u00e5ller fast i saker. Har f\u00f6r mycket av allt. Och s\u00e5 \u00e4r jag r\u00e4dd. R\u00e4dd f\u00f6r att sl\u00e4ppa taget och gl\u00f6mma. Men det g\u00f6r man ju inte. Det man \u00e4r r\u00e4dd f\u00f6r att gl\u00f6mma, det gl\u00f6mmer man aldrig. Det \u00e4r inget svek mot sig sj\u00e4lv, den man var, att l\u00e4gga undan krafset runt omkring och g\u00e5 vidare. Det \u00e4r precis det man ska g\u00f6ra ibland.<\/p>\n

R\u00e4dsla har jag f\u00f6rresten nog av som det \u00e4r och kanske var det d\u00e4rf\u00f6r det var s\u00e5 befriande. Jag gjorde n\u00e5got som jag var r\u00e4dd f\u00f6r, eldade upp lite gammalt skit, och fick bekr\u00e4ftat att det k\u00e4ndes bra.<\/p>\n

Jag tror kanske att man borde rensa mer.<\/strong> Ja, det \u00e4r nog min slutliga reflektion. I alla fall jag. Som den grubblare jag \u00e4r fastnar jag l\u00e4tt i hur det var, hur man t\u00e4nkte och varf\u00f6r det blev som det blev. Nog ska man ha d\u00f6rren \u00f6ppen bak\u00e5t s\u00e5 man kan dra nytta av sina erfarenheter, men nuet och framtiden m\u00e5ste f\u00e5 vara viktigast.<\/p>\n

Har ni d\u00f6st\u00e4dat?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jag har br\u00e4nt upp tre gamla dagb\u00f6cker. \u00c4r det hemskt? Ja, kanske lite men det var v\u00e4ldigt befriande ocks\u00e5. S\u00e5 befriande att jag \u00f6ppnade datorn nu trots extrem tr\u00f6tthet bara f\u00f6r att dela med mig av n\u00e5gra funderingar kring det h\u00e4r.\u00a0 I tid av sjukdom och kaos blir man kn\u00e4pp. Jag \u00e4r superkn\u00e4pp just nu….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":338,"featured_media":224162,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[378,4,363],"yoast_head":"\nJag har d\u00f6st\u00e4dat - Nys\u00e4ter lantbruk<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/blogg.atl.nu\/nysater\/2020\/11\/03\/jag-har-dostadat\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"sv_SE\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Jag har d\u00f6st\u00e4dat - Nys\u00e4ter lantbruk\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Jag har br\u00e4nt upp tre gamla dagb\u00f6cker. \u00c4r det hemskt? Ja, kanske lite men det var v\u00e4ldigt befriande ocks\u00e5. 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